In Which Shagging cough Love conquers all
by Bertram Wooster
Summary: Dialog only. Oh no. Warning: crack-fic ahead. Approach with extreme caution. I started off trying to write something nice ( Seriously, a pun, you say? Happy coincidence.)… and this just sort of happened. I think I may be high.


**Disclaimer- Harry Potter, did you say? Don't own that. **

**Wish the same could be said for what follows but unfortunately it ****_is_**** the creation of my deviant brain.**

**AN :**

**Dialog only. **

**Oh no. Warning: crack-fic ahead. Approach with extreme caution.**

**I started off trying to write something nice… and this just sort of happened.**

**I think I may be high.**

* * *

"Up early are we Potter?"

"Why, going to complain to Daddy dearest are you, Ferret?"

"Oooh! Touchy! Where is the weasel and his stupid mudblood girlfriend ,anyway? Did you have yourselves a little disagreement? "

"Piss off, Malfoy. Why are you out here anyway?"

"Can't you _see_ Potter? I've been camping outside the Gryffindor common room lying in wait for you. As the hero of the Wizarding World, you obviously have a lot on your mind and spend the night roaming the castle, angsting away. Seemingly, I, Draco Malfoy, your arch-enemy, from Slytherin (whose Common rooms, by the way, are in the _dungeons…)_ is the only one aware of this. Apparently, the other boys you've shared a dorm with for almost five years haven't noticed, evidently, being a Gryffindor automatically makes them so dense that unless Granger starts a club they wouldn't notice that you were having violent nightmares and are unable to sleep."

"Er…What?"

"It's alright I can solve the most pressing of your problems-namely, getting some sleep- by kissing you senseless after which we won't be able to resist our innermost furor(or passion) for the other and we'll shag each other mindless(or senseless). Following which you'll sleep like a baby because after you shag me you'll develop all sorts of powers like automatically becoming a master at Occlumency."

"Are you sure your alright-?"

"Alas, after we shag, you'll have a bit of trouble accepting that you lost your virginity to me. So the next few chapters will be a sort of minor setback for "us" as such, during which you'll avoid me using your father's invisibility cloak and The Marauder's Map.( Don't even bother asking me how I know this, apparently because I'm preposterously hot, I'm clairvoyant and omnipotent too.)

These chapters are extremely important as the author is able to ramble on about how dissatisfied we both are, sexually, of course.

However, after weeks of not talking to you,( the viewers have realized that there has been no 'action' in the past five chapters and several of them abandon the story…) I manage to 'ambush' you in the shower rooms after Quidditch practice and confront you, during which you break down and tell me about your feelings. Then I look deep into your green, almond shaped eyes(which the author points out, are exactly like your mother's-in case anyone has forgotten) and you look into my shimmering (or 'glistening', if the author is fond of alliterations) grey eyes. There is a brief note about your messy black hair, which is ludicrously sexy and my pale blond hair which is also outrageously sexy-now, that the author has successfully established how extremely and preposterously sexy the both of us are, we proceed to kiss fervently. And of course, (surprise, surprise), shag.

We proceed to shag again because fan fiction just can't seem to get enough of the both of us shagging.

However, this time it is much more 'meaningful' so you, _now_ know- Legimency, Arithmancy and Ancient Runes. I'll become a seer because it won't be fair for you to get all the 'powers'.(I'm already a half Veela, the author forgot to mention it, but at least the viewers are now aware of this and are therefore able to truly comprehend how unbelievingly sexy I am, in case the denser fraction of her viewers haven't realized…).

We'll both become Animagius, you'd be a Basilisk and I'd clearly be a Dragon, we can shag in that form too, although that would be slightly disturbing. By the end of which we both would be able to speak fluent mermish because the author thinks that's cool.

The next few chapters we ensue to shag each other senseless, all over the school(because now that we have found true love and all that jazz…Dumbledore, the old coot, has ordered all classes to be put on hold), so much so that Voldermort just drops dead just from the sheer amount of loooove which is radiated like an energy blast every time we shag. (The author can't seem to emphasize enough just how necessary it is for us to shag.) So, you see the solution to all your problems is shagging me, I suggest we proceed without further ado. "

" Actually, I was just going down to the dungeons to shag Snape…"

"…"

"…"

"Woah. That's awkward. Wrong fanfic. Or maybe I've been sent to an alternate dimension? It's hard to keep track sometimes…"

"No matter. You could join us if you want? I'm sure he wouldn't mind …And speaking mermish _would_ be cool! Can you imagine the look on Dumbledore's face?"

* * *

**AN: **

**Okay, I have ****_no_**** idea where that came from. It's like I just lost control and ****_that_**** just took over.**

**I'd ask you to review but I'm not sure I'd be able to handle the criticism this rightly deserves. **

** P.S- if anyone is interested in seeing more of this particular genre from me please do let me know. **

**(Also, I'd like to state that I have absolutely nothing against Harry/Draco. This is just for fun.)**


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